6th Feb What Am I Missing?

I’m new to blogging and i need help. I’m putting myself out there and getting limited views. Its not an ego thing but, it would be more reassuring that i’m doing the right thing if I had more high fives so to speak?! Maybe its questionable to be telling my lows and putting it online. There have been highs too but as we all know we dwell on the lows more. My story is based on my mental health. Last year i recorded it and this year im posting last year’s recordings. I’m trying to make a difference and give myself a purpose. I do get nothing happens overnight but id love to borrow a crystal ball! Anyone got one?

Just to be clear this is being written today. 6th Jan 2018. As I’ve just typed, I’ve realise that you guys in USA write your dates differently! That mean i need to do the date, just as I have going forward. Ive learned something today. Go blogging!

Any suggestions would be really helpful but here’s what im not comfortable with at the moment. Sharing on Facebook. Its far to close to home and would be giving my current world and friends a magnifying glass, and allowing them in. At this point i should tell you again why im doing it. My sanity and the hope i can help others. I need a purpose and I’ve always been good at giving advice and helping others. My personality will come across confident and friendly and sure i’m confident at points and ill always help you out but i do tend to over think! Maybe i should stop now and cross my fingers for some feed back. Tell me What Am I Missing

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30/01/2017 A Year Ago Today – Falling

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Its Monday, and what I’m doing now….Dwelling!

The hopes of getting my life in order slowly fading away. It started very well, I had committed to most of my daily tasks with open mind and a world of hopefulness and positivity. I managed to do plenty of meditating and managed 14k in distance with my running. By far the furthest I’ve done in years, if not ever! Being creative daily was very good for me too. A key part in me feeling great was due to knowing id be pushing myself for ideas and new wants daily. Sadly, after a strong 5 days hanging out in cloud nine, it seems the cloud doesn’t have a firm surface, and I’ve fallen!

Cloud 9

I was so happy and excited due to all the above. The Charmill Designs blog was pretty much done, it just needed another hour or 2. I was starting to look fit and of course I was excited about going out last Friday night. Nic and i had a great night, lots of drink, a little bit of coke and a lot of fun together by the River Thames! Still no problem right? Well since then I’ve felt like pooh! Out the window goes my daily routines, my positive outlook and the change!

You see my drinking is such a big issue. It affects me for days. It’s now Monday lunch time and I can’t even begin to think about exercising or even attempting to do any of my task today. Strangely I’m wanting to double up on those poxy pills, which I haven’t touched for over a week. I think it’s because it should make me feel numb and emotionless. One other reason could be fear! Fear of going back to work Wednesday? The questions, the anxiousness, I’m worried mentally, and I’ve put myself through a boozy wkend and that can’t be helping either. The situation is I really felt like I could knock down a Trump size wall, and now, I feel like running a way and being by myself. The love for my family is just about strong enough to stop me from exploding and exploring this lonely road. That and the fact I don’t have a passport!!

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What will I do? How will I feel in a few days? Where will I go? Do I really want to be this lonely traveller with no destination and torched by self-pity! Unless I kick start my feel-good activity’s soon, I’m gonna be feeling pretty pooh for longer and longer!!

This daily dairy is a perfect example of my high highs and low lows. Days of talking about being strong mentally and find a spiritual level of peace, now I’m questioning why I’m even hanging around! It sucks, but I’ve only got myself to blame. That, and my choice to drink and take drugs 5days before aiming to return to work! I hope when a post this a year from now, I’m in a different place!

5 DAYS IN TO THE NEW ME! 26/01/2017

26/01/2017 A Year Ago Today – 2018

5 DAYS IN TO THE NEW ME!

It appears I can keep a routine! Alright, its only been 5 days, but what a productive and positive 5 days. I’m off those bloody pills that Zombify me! I’m sure you’ve heard of them, they’re generally known as anti-depressants! Clearly there are many reasons for people to taking them and I’m not saying they don’t serve a purpose. However, every time a doctor offers a course of tablets to me I fear being attached to them. Worried that somehow I’m not able to live a life without them. What if they start over charging for them and making you have to beg at the counter. What if they change me so that I’m not myself! Do I need anymore addictions!

The main reason I’ve taken them in the past is because of Mr Depression, & Mrs Anxiety! This pair have always lurked and loomed around the corner for a lifetime. You know the people, happiness drainers, condescending fuckers that only want to you to feel shit and worthless, basically fake friends! Therefore, I’ve gotta make a change and remind myself I’m a good person. Whether that be through meditating, writing or just looking in the mirror and saying something positive. That’s better than beating myself up and procrastinating. I will just take things a day at a time and continue with my routines. I mean come on, I’ve managed the equivalent of a half of football match worth of meditation (45 minutes) Ran 10k in 5 days and I’ve done lots of weights too.

Arnold Schwarzenegger better watch out!

Arnold

Its key for me return to work next week. I’m nervous, as its been a while and I don’t know how to explain not being around for 2 and half months?! I clearly haven’t had a cold and even me thinking about it now causes a stomach churning effect, so let’s go back to thinking positive.

No alcohol for 5 days, but i haven’t searched for any help yet. Maybe because I have a night out planned tomorrow and I’ll likely be drinking! Hopefully this will be the only drink of the weekend.

Plan for the coming days…

Run tomorrow 5k and then again Sunday with my buddy. Getting a mate involved can only help the process.

No more drinks, JUST Friday and not Saturdays because I’m running Sunday!

Write a blog Sunday and finish Charmill Design Blog.

Meditate and focus on getting back to work next week.

EASY!!!

A Year Ago Today 24th Jan 2017

24/01/2017

The First Post – No Fear here

So, here I am. 3 days in and I’ve manage to keep to most of my daily targets. Clearly becoming Forest Gump is going well. I just gotta keep running!  10k ran in 3 days. Ok it’s not exactly setting the world on fire but I’m on my path to enlightenment. I mean come on I’ve sat down twice to meditate and this world of mine is changing. I’m using an app called Headspace which is slowly easing me into this new-found peace. It’s a lot hard than you think sitting down doing nothing, clearing your thoughts while learning to breath! Another daily to do see me working on writing my own affirmations. Or daily pledges I’m considering calling them as the definition for an affirmation is…

Affirmations in New Thought and New Age terminology refer primarily to the practice of positive thinking and self-empowerment—fostering a belief that “a positive mental attitude supported by affirmations will achieve success in anything.” More specifically, an affirmation is a carefully formatted statement that should be repeated to one’s self and written down frequently. For affirmations to be effective, it is said that they needs to be present tense, positive, personal and specific.

daily-affirmations-06-january-2014

So why am I doing this?

It’s pretty simple really, I’ve been very destructive person for some time. When I say, “destructive person” I’m not watching my children stack bricks and knocking them down, or punching walls and putting holes in things. I’m just saying I’m self-sabotaging my own life! Sadly, this has become a familiar pattern to my life. Take now for instance, I’ve been off work since my littlest girl has been born 16/11/2016. That’s not entirely true. I had taken a few days off prior to her been born because I was scared to go back in on the account of me skiving and leaving work at lunch the Friday before. Basically, I got drunk in a pub with a mate, and one thing lead to another and few more beers and fuck! I’m drinking. I’m drinking instead of working again. Crazy really, I’m a team leader of a web sales team and I worked bloody hard to get there! How I got away with boozing my Friday afternoons away, I don’t know. Yet the fact I did keep getting away with it made it happen more and more!

So back to now. I’m 3 days in and consciously avoiding booze and not taking tablets that the doctors love to prescribe when you aren’t feeling well and anxiety and stress is eating you up. Instead I’m hoping to pull myself back together and return to work with Conor McGregor esc walk, my target date to return is 1st Feb. f7363b85f2d366ea4778ccd0bb9a0a092bc8831e8fee2efedba451faa266a20b__original

How will I do that?

By living my intervention, writing blogs, keeping fit and doing daily to do’s, meditating the works. I want to post this in a years’ time and I hope I’ve managed to learn from my mistakes and be making better model for myself to live by! I hope by writing this and posting it a year later will help me hold myself accountable for me actions, learn my triggers and deter myself from self-destructing. After all we do only get one life, and by all accounts its what we make of it. So I’ll think big and positive and see what I can do.

Target to self. Run a half marathon this year!

#AYearAgoToday #AYAT

23rd Dec – Less than a Month to go!

Image result for celebrate good timesI’m about a month away from setting up a new blog home. Buying a domain name and basically letting out a year of mental health recordings.

I’ve honestly jotted down feelings, issues and ways I tried to cope with the highs and lows of day to day life. I intend to post each post a year after it was written. I decided to do this because I’ve been struggling with life for years, which has lead to me continually screwing things up for myself and hurting those close to me. I will say at this point the idea has changed over time and it’s because a lot can happen in a year. At first it was going to be a self-help/personal development blog. A journey on how I solved and resolved some of my biggest demons by doing a few basic things like. Meditating, journaling, exercising and staying drink free.

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What actually followed was a real insight on some of my mega floors. I’ve lost and gained a lot this year and its been really tough, but I figure I’ve put the work in now, so I’ve got to let it be seen. One of my main goals is still the same. Help others that feel alone and blue like I can feel from time to time. Give them somewhere to go and see that they aren’t the only one. Mental health is an internal issue so its very hard for people to understand and tell what’s going on. It’s not always easy to see and It’s never easy to explain, but you aren’t alone.

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Many times, throughout this year I believed myself to be better! In control and on top of the world. At these points I thought I’d cracked it, and everything was going to be ok. “I’ve changed, my patterns and understand my triggers. Wey hay I’ve cracked it! My routines are truly working, and I must share this discovery!” Unfortunately, habits are hard to break. Especially the big red self-destruct button that’s forever calling me! I’ve allowed drink and drugs to have a bigger impact on me than being happy and with my family! I’m newly separated and have 3 children beautiful children and now an Ex-partner that I’ve put through a lot of stress and hardship never knowing what’s coming her way next. I hope I get the chance to mend what I’ve broken, and I hope I can help others on my way back up out of this hole!

For now, Merry Christmas and I hope you’ll join my journey in the new year.

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Barry

I’m Writing About Writing!

Why writing about writing?

Well I’ve been meaning to post on a blog for some time now, but instead of getting on with it I’ve just pictured loads of things I’d write about rather than actually getting down to it! I do write 3 times a week, so it’s not that I’m completely out of my comfort zone its more I’m not sure what it is I want to write about! In this case, I feel I should just write about writing. I just want to mention I’m dyslexic and I’m defiantly only telling you this as I may read something that isn’t there and post as if it is! (Invisible ink syndrome)

So what do I write about 3 times a week?

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Basically myself! How life’s going and where I am on the happiness scale. I have fair few floors, as no doubt we all do. However, I’m in need of change. That’s why I’ve started to keep account of what my day to day habits are. I have a daily to do list. The three main things on this list are,

  1. Read my daily pledge or Affirmations – ( Read to the end to view)
  2. Meditate – 10 minutes is ideal however im happy to get away with a quick 5 minutes as well.
  3. Exercise – It can be as small as 30 press ups and sit ups, weights or Running. It’s all about the endorphins! I tend to aim to do a minimum of 10k a week. I’m unable to always keep to this. Life is busy and I have been known to get off this path I’ve invented for myself. Check my progress this far….. 157km today but I’m am intending to do around 400km by years end.

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What’s the meaning of all this?

I suppose I started all this because I needed to get myself back to work, plus I needed to work out where things were continually going wrong. How much do I drink? What are my triggers? Am I even looking after myself? Is anxiety something that I can learn to control? Can I stop drinking? Basically, its been a journey so far and I’m still learning which is great. Here’s an idea of what I’ve been writing about to date.

Getting back to work after spending 3 ½ months off sick from depression/anxiety. At the same time getting off anti-depressants. To then be made redundant after returning to work.

I stopped drinking (54 days) very difficult, and I believed that I could do a year my views about drinking clearly changed when dairying here.

Got a new job and lasted 2 ½ days. Then went back on to anti-depressants then off them again, revisited the Daily To Do’s! I now will be starting a new job in September.

SO,.That’s that. Basically, I’m Writing about Writing because that’s what I’ve done since January and its helped me a hell of a lot. I’ll leave you with my daily pledge that I read aloud and believing.

Daily Pledges

Today I will stand tall with my head held high knowing I will give to the world as much as I can, I push myself to lead the way with passion and energy, I am prepared to learn as I change so will my world.

5 things to quit right now

  1. Trying to please everyone – There is no need to please everyone just consider
  2. Putting yourself down – Gravity pulls you down so you should big yourself up
  3. Living in the past – If you’re always looking back, then you will never be in the present which means you’re effecting your future.
  4. Fearing Change – To improve our lives change must happen. You’re not still crawling like a baby, are you?
  5. Overthinking – Is something we do when we worry. Why acknowledge worry? Why not change thoughts to positive ones?

Remember every morning with progression and a positive attitude you will succeed.

Belief is waiting for you every second of the day, just give it a chance and it will appear. – Barry2Baz 24/01/2017

 

12/03/2017 Why so long?

How am I feeling?

I feel very strong yet at the same time wondering, where am I? I’m not lost, I’m trying to make sense what’s happening and why….. I’m being asked frequently “why are you not drinking?” My quick general reply has been “Well if I drunk today then there is a high possibility that I won’t go to work one day next week, or even the week after that.”  It will probably make me want to drink by myself in a few pubs in London. I may even go casino spend money I don’t have all just to be the man who no one knows, with no background or past. It’s its own drug in a way. I enjoy it when I do it. That’s even though I will feel terrible for so many reasons later that day or the next morning. I’m now picturing the pubs and the bars that I’ve got myself drunk in, remembering the freedom as if it was a positive experience when ultimately it leaves me feeling sad and alone! This has slowed me down so many times in life. I’ve done this countless amounts of times and well-hidden it very well. It has put me down the life ladder a lot. Therefore, I have to stop drinking for a year at least. I must master my madness, my sickness, my drinking. If I don’t drink for a year, I’d have had some control of the drink. And IF…I mean once its complete, I’m in control.

Length of time

Some might say 6 months is long enough. Some may even say 3 months is a good amount of time to show restraint, but I want to master this. I want to show its possible, to myself and by practicing daily I can changing my belief patterns. My mum said she is very proud of me today. We were at a pub garden in Hern Bay for the afternoon and she was impressed. Mainly because she probably hasn’t seen me not drinking booze when alcohol is on the menu. (clearly being a kid doesn’t count in that statement) So this was pretty massive too her! Its huge for me too, but I’m living this transformation and therefore I’m kinda getting used to it. It’s a powerful position in terms of life because I’m showing to other and me that I can do more than I ever thought possible.

I give it a year and that’s a different story. A lot would have changed in my life. I may still have some of the feelings but ultimately, I’ll be in a different head space. Talking to different people and hopefully I’ll have a different perception on my drinking.

I’ve booked into my first sporting event which sees me doing 10k over all sorts of obstacles. The events call Rough Runner. I wouldn’t be taking part of this had I not stopped drinking and exercised 6 days a week. I also plan to enter the Southend half marathon in July. 12 miles which I’ve never done before, but I do have an I can do attitude now. I feel cleverer and strong and I have the belief. I have a day to day life and I don’t always think when’s my next drink is like I use too. That shit really clouded my thoughts and happiness. I’m loving life right now and I can only continue that if I keep to my daily plans and pushing myself.

I’m grateful for the time in the pub today. I got to play football with my son, hiding seek with my daughter and teach them both how to throw a Frisbee. And that’s all because I’m making a change. I love what is happening, long may it continue.

22/03/2017 Redundancy Day

22/03/2017

Redundancy Day

I’m going to start by patting myself on the back and recognise how far I’ve come. Had I not taken the steps I’ve taken at the start of this year, I probably wouldn’t even be in the position I’m in now. That’s a happy one just to be clear. I would definitely still be binge drinking and being all down believing I was worthless. However, today I’m on the way to my redundancy meeting, with my head held high knowing this is just another stepping stone leading me to my future of progression. I won’t be turning to drink like to many times before and I won’t be arguing the decision. I’ve worked hard by pushing myself daily so I don’t let outside influence effect this positive journey I’m on. Granted there is every chance it could be a struggle to find the perfect job/next job, but what I must believe in is me! I should feel proud of what I’m achieving daily. There is no doubt the thoughts of drinking is subsiding and becoming less and less, and that’s even with the potentially embarrassing situation off being told I don’t have a job any more, and even then having to say goodbye to all the people that do still have jobs! However with me learning meditation and valuing being in the moment I know whilst I’m typing this into my phone in rush hour of the London underground to continue thinking positively and not to dwell. When it comes to saying good bye to my work mates I think they will think, he was a good guy with the right sprite and attitude and this company have let go a winner. Clearly I’ll continue this blog once I’ve been in my redundancy meeting. I’d of lived all these thoughts for real by then and it will no longer be speculation. But for now I’m calm and at peace looking ahead to see what I can do next.

a time 

So I’m on route home from Clapham Junction to Greenwich. It’s 03.07pm

Well that was different! I’ve had a whole host of different feelings today. When I arrived I was the tea boy happily offering my services to everyone. This kept me away from my desks and whilst I was cracking jokes, clearly over compensating the awkwardness I felt. Best joke was, when I told people I was looking for a personal trainer to learn how to do the splits. When I found one he asked “how flexible are you”? I said “I cant do Tuesday’s” hahaha

Anyway eventually I had the meeting where I was told that the decision on my team leader position still wasn’t clear, even though I had been given a week’s notice that company we’re considering making the Web Sales Team leaders position redundant! What I’d like to think is they were buying me some time to earn some extra money and have more chance to find a job. I had been with these guys for 2years and 9months I’ve had 2 kids whilst working there, so they know me and I know them. That being said I knew my days were numbered. It’s like a relationship, where the boy and girl decide that things aren’t really working and rather then just end things, they making it more complicated and say shall we go on a break! When really cutting ties is normally a better way to go allowing you to think straight…..we’ve all seen Friends and how that worked for Ross and Racheal!! WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!

aa We were on a break

So being mentally prepared and knowing this was going to be happening I stressed that I though I’d be leaving today. I’ve cleared my emails, spit shinned the desk and was waiting for you just confirm the inevitable. I think Javad the HR guy was surprised, he probably thought why is he wanting to get this done so quickly? He then mentioned he wanted to call me back to another meeting next week! Clearly that’s when he’d feel more comfortable with pulling the trigger. That wasn’t for me though, I pushed for a decision in the near future! “Ok come back at 5pm and I’ll see if I con get confirmation by then” he said. At that point I needed to make an intervention, I wasn’t really feeling doing another whole day knowing that they didn’t want me.  “unfortunately I have appointment with a recruitment agency and would need to leave by 1.30, as I said I’m ready to go” Pinocchio would be well gel! I can lie and my nose doesn’t grow an inch!! Negotiation….i do have a City and Guilds in this, and I’m a highly trained salesman, I know how to work a situation especially when I already know the outcome. They are still intending to make me jobless so holding off until 5pm or next week is pointless.

I then left his office re-joined  my work colleges and well, we all  had a great laught as if we knew it was going to be our last few hours. It did make me 2nd guess myself and wonder if another week with this lot would actually be that bad. I quickly snapped out of that and remembered my relstionship advice moving on is better with a quick break!

1.30pm came, I was called into the HR office to be told “it was as we excepected, unfortunately the Web Sales Team Leader position has been made redundant!” Finally, I’m able to make this clean break and push myself forward, I’m at my best physically and mentally there isn’t a better time for me to look for a new job! I was then told about the money side of things, which I must admit hadn’t really been playing on my mind much due to a few negative things that had been said to me. Like I’ll get jack shit! Well they were wrong, the figure I said I wanted to save by a years time only 2 weeks ago was offered to me with redundancy pay. The law of attraction is well and truly happening here…I was to be paid £4500 to be exact.

This will be my first proper pay for months, as I had been off sick since November suffering from stress and anxiety and I’d only returned in February. Some people though this is why they are letting me go, however I’d like to think I’m in this position because this is my path. It allowed my to be brave and return back to work when I never thought I could, it allowed me to see my value of all the work im doing for myself. And it showed me my changes have worked, I do enjoy work again with out all the over thinking! I also now get the chance of a fresh start and a new challenge. Its been 48 days since I last had a drink of booze , I meditate, exercise and make a daily pledge to myself, This happens 6 times a week. I’ve come along way and when it came to saying goodbye and breaking the news I was leaving, I did it better than I expected. I looked them in the eyes told them its been a pleasure and got the feeling that In many ways, I had impact them over the years too.

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I want to finish by saying I’m grateful for where I am today, and all those hard times are blessings in disguise without them I wouldn’t have had the learning experiences I have today.

I’d love to hear your views on this blog as I would like to write more going forward.

Anyone struggling with anxiety depression and all round just feeling down in the dumps, believe me I never thought I could feel full of belief and happy, but by recording how you feel and tracking your progression you can do some amazing things.

 

Thanks for reading

Barry to Baz

31-07-2011 

You can change the future, you can’t mess with the past. Break something, an your end up in a cast. A memory was written and you can’t take that bk. So what you once said, is now become a fact. 

#thoughtstoscreen

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