I had to run this morning. I dreamt about drinking last night! I was in a pub with lots of people from the past and I was acting like some kind of Russell Brand charter! For some reason there were lots of women all over me and loving my charm. Like I said, it was a dream! The main thing I’m getting from this dream is that I’m drinking booze init. I wasn’t questioning myself while partying away in dream land, and at least here I can’t get a hangover right? Wrong!! I felt like crap when i woke up because, I was living a life that didn’t really exist. I wasn’t having to say “I’m doing better or I’m back at work and things are going great”. I’m not having to wake up and think about my non-drinking pledges.
Well I’m awake now and i have work, so I meditated in bed but was still unable to calm myself and was fidgeting and scratch my head, beard and in doings so disturbed the process of calming my thoughts which never normally happens. Luckily for me it’s running morning which will give me the chance to physically run away even if mentally i’m stuck.
I ran 5.4k around Greenwich Park. When I hit the hill I was still doubting everything, I tried my meditational breathing while running which by the way was near on impossible due to being out of breath. I shouted out affirmations like, “I am a strong man. I am in control of this moment. I am great” ect! Luckily with persistence and knowing deep down that I create my own world by mastering my mind. I’m now standing in Waterloo station, it’s rush hour and the trains delayed and I’m typing on my phone and nothing is bothering me. I’ve already achieved some good things today that has more purpose than speeding forward in this rat race. I’ve changed my thoughts and I’ve stuck to my daily to do’s and In doing that i feel strong and powerful again. That’s a good feeling now let’s see what the day brings. I’ll keep my clear picture in my head of seeing all my beautiful children this morning all bright eyed and smiling. I’m a lucky guy!
It’s home time and I’m currently fighting my way through the joys of rush hour. As ever I’m typing away on a high speed and very packed train. The reason I’m adding to my earlier post is I was hit by the dreaded red face today! I’ve been back at work for 3 days and I’m feeling the heat more constantly again. It’s a shame as I’ve had another good sales day. 6 sales. 5 yesterday and 3 the day of my return so it’s clearly not performance related. This is really hindering my life. It’s like I haven’t grown up properly. I mean why am I going red when my CEO asks how the day went?! I’m the team leader, it fucks me off! Honestly, I’ve seen the rabbit in pepper pig do this every time she speaks and it’s just embarrassing to be able to relate to Rebecca Rabbit! WTF!
I can only think how uncomfortable other people must feel seeing me go red or blushing. I know it happened today and I know it isn’t just me feeling it and no one seeing it. I come across so confident to people in the office and probably to most people I know. I very much doubt that people would believe that I that get hung up on this miner shit. Though you can be assured, the sun will rise tomorrow, and I’ll also go red at least 5 times. It kills me, and I hate the feeling I’m left with. I know I’m reprogramming but this is just annoying as it really holds me back I think, shit I had 3 months of due to this crap….it’s a shame to end an overall strong day on a low note but that’s real life and I’m no master yet!!