Category Archives: recovery

13th Feb 2017 – The Build Up – AYAT

So tomorrow is a big day that i never thought would be happening. I thought I’d run and hide like so many time before. Fonehouse (the company that I work for) would be like so many other companies on my CV that I’d never returned too due to my anxiety.

The questions. Oh the questions. It’s normal for people to ask question when you’ve been away for a few months. “where have you been? we thought you had left! Is everything ok?” All vailed ways to ask someone you haven’t seen, I’ve been told most of my work colleges have been kept in the dark, so I understand why they may be surprised.

I touched base with one of the good guys on my team. I’ve asked Sunny to meet me out the front on his fag break, hopefully this will ease the nerves before I enter. Let’s remember I’ve absent due to my anxiety, and thinking about this to much will make it blow through the roof. Even talking about it now is make my stomach do back flips and I’m starting to question whether I actually need to go at all!? Well I don’t need to go, but I want to show to myself that I’m turning a corner and I believe everything I’m saying to myself daily.

5 things to quit right now

  1. Trying to please everyone
  2. Putting yourself down
  3. Living in the past
  4. Fearing Change
  5. Overthinking.

Remember every morning with progression and a positive attitude you will succeed

I’ll also share my daily pledge.

Today I will stand tall with my head held high knowing I will give to the world as much as I can, I push myself to lead the way with passion and energy, I am prepared to learn and as I change so will the world.

Fear has two meanings

Forget Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Rise


This is 1 part of what I currently reading daily. I’ve stuck my daily pledge on the fridge and other positive words and directions too. I have no doubt that reading this is helping me mentally and me saying this over and over to myself will make me 100 times happier. All my doubts can be seen in those 5 areas. I can’t move forward without taking this 1st step. I do believe in what I read and say to myself and that’s why I will succeed because I’m happy to feel uncomfortable…he says through gritted teeth.


I wanted to share this as I feel I need reminding of the fear, of the doubt that is still swirling around, but with a different outlook is making me push myself in another way. I can, and I will go through this tomorrow, and It will be another step to me getting back on track.


Here’s a quote I wrote for myself when I started.

Belief is waiting for you every minute of the day, just give it a chance and it will appear. – Barry Daniels 24/01/2017


12th Feb 2017 I’ll Hold Your Hair Back -AYAT


A boiling hot bath is my office right now, bubbles and the noise of 3 children under the age 4 running riot! Ahh this is the life! At least I’m in the bath and there’s a door in the way J I can have a nice chill and write down my thoughts. I’m feeling and doing good today. I’ve got a HR meeting on Tuesday morning. It seems my email to work has worked wonders and prompted them to see if I’m ok! Now I need to apply my positive mindset and tell myself that I can get there. I will attend. There’s nothing to be scared of, just do it. I’ll remove the option of might or I’ll try get to this meeting. The meeting is happening and it’s more steps in the right direction. I’m starting to believe that me thinking positively is giving me positivity back. I’m literally manifesting an easier world by embracing fear more. Like our picture in the front room says Life begins and the end of your comfort zone. Right now, I’m down with that!!

Not drinking this weekend has been relatively easy. The fact I was holding my fiancées hair back as she was being sick down the toilet helped a lot….. ahhh ahaha. Of course, Saturday was a wipe out for Nic. Like a ship with a hole in it, she was going nowhere!! I feel pretty dam good for the 2nd weekend running. Clearly my pledges, meditation, fitness and all-round outlook is better. My brain seems to feel less clouded and more of a clear. I’ll keep up my forward planning and targets and hope for more success.

Things that are coming these next 7 days.

  1. Tennis
  2. work meeting
  3. football, running, weights,


  1. Popping to a pub with friends and not drinking.
  2. Valentine’s day. Hopefully I can add a few other things but let’s just see.
  3. Charmill first post done

Last weeks Missions

  1. 12k has been registered…..possibly more has been done but due to it being football I was unable to track correctly
  2. 5 out of 7 days Meditating. Feeling a lot more at ease and clear in the mind.
  3. New interest, well im fully into learning more about blogging.
  4. Ive still not looked for help with drink yet. This is mainly because I’d rather wait until I get a big urge to drink. I also feel that I’m giving myself a lot of purpose and reason to stay clear with feeling good and thinking straight
  5. I’m very much focused on writing a blog for a year before posting. An achievement for me would be not drinking and have a strong and clear blog on how I did it.

10th Feb 2017 A Year Ago Today

It’s the first real Friday that drink HAS been an option. Last Friday I hungover and sorry so I didn’t wanna push my luck. My overall feeling today is still strong, positive and excited about all the possible opportunities that quitting drink will give me. I know that stopping THE Devils DRINK doesn’t change the world, and I will wake up Barry Daniels again. But if I put as much time into being good to myself as I did to drink and drugs I’ll be flying! It may even free up some time to do some rock climbing with my children. I also want to run a half marathon. It would be nice to read this blog in a years’ time and be proud of myself. Fingers crossed I’m year 1 week and 1 day without drinking!

My fear at this point is failure and falling back to my drinking habits once I go back to work. I feel like I might justify drinking again because I’ve got myself back to work. I hope not. Even while I’m writing this its seems in conservable I will last 2 months. A year is going to be a hell of a challenge. I’ve got 3 weddings to attend. 2 without the little monkeys. So should I just drink on these weekends? It’s hard to imagine myself in Gozo, on a beach, without a cocktail that contains alcohol! Maybe its best to go back to the one day at a time rule!

And here’s another maybe. Maybe one day I could become a public speaker and tell the tales and the struggles that I’ve been through and show people what the other side looks like. I’d like to do this even though I suffer with anxiety and go red in the face, my mess can be my message. It would make a nice change to be doing something worthwhile with life rather than the same old 9 to 5, working myself to the bone for someone else to benefit. (I’m aware that I’m currently not working) I’m just looking for a purpose and I’m telling you about it.

Right, time to crack on. My little Millie needs to go a bed, and nic out for the night, and unlike nights of old, I won’t be wearing a red wine lipstick to bed.

Cool time to go and put another cross on my calendar.

9th Feb 17 – The Devils Drink – A Year Ago Today

It will be a week tomorrow. Yes, one whole week avoiding the devils drink! I heard that phrase once whilst perched at a bar enjoying a pint instead of working. The guy that made this comment clearly had his problems with drink as he looked as if he’d wished that he could be anywhere else but this pub. A regular shouted “do you fancy a pint mate” the guy fired back “that’s the devils drink, it ruins lives and it won’t be touching my lips again!” With that the Irish fella sharply left the pub. He was only in his 20’s I’d imagine, he was only in there to handed something to the lady behind the bar. I’m wondering whether I’ll go through this phase too?! Feel angry and frustrated by drink and the pains its brought to me?! I hope not, as I’d like to picture myself calm collected, wiser through pushing myself and beating my demons. I in vision a more buddha like ora with a following white beard! wise man

As I said above, nearly one week isn’t a long time. However, if you picture yourself being in a room with no windows, no lights, at that point one week in time would seem a lot longer. That’s clearly a metaphor as I have 3 children, many windows and that means loads of light with plenty of entertainment. So, I’m luckier than some. As you would know through reading previous post I’ve used drink for so much of my life and I’ve used it to fill massive canyon size holes within me. By stopping, it may enable me to create a new life for myself and gain some sort of control?

drunk - no thanksA life that wouldn’t include hangovers. No drunken acts of foolishness. No taking the edge off an awkward situation no more. Whilst I’m typing this, I’m already questioning whether I’m really ready to take this battle on…I mean hangovers aren’t all bad and I like taking the edge off. I even like sitting by myself in pubs and drinking instead of going to work! Yet its holding me back from the best me. My family aren’t getting the best me, which means they aren’t getting what they deserve. For that reason and a lot more, I must take this option. No drinking. No excuse. It only has to be for a year! God knows what I might achieve if I put more effort in having fun and a healthier way of life. I’m the only me there is. There won’t be another me, so I need to love and care for myself.

I want to say at this point due to the 5th Feb’s post being a bit down beat, that im in a good place at the moment. I’m keeping to my daily to do list. Reading my pledges, writing post, mediating more days than not, and keep fit and playing football which I love. I feel positive and know that I’m definitely walking down the right path. I have a clearer vision of what I want to achieve and if I follow my guidelines then I can make it possible. We live this life once and it’s important to that I take control and keep to my morning rituals.

Where will I be in a years’ time? I’ll know, but you’ll be reading this and hopefully we keep on this positive journey.

6th Feb What Am I Missing?

I’m new to blogging and i need help. I’m putting myself out there and getting limited views. Its not an ego thing but, it would be more reassuring that i’m doing the right thing if I had more high fives so to speak?! Maybe its questionable to be telling my lows and putting it online. There have been highs too but as we all know we dwell on the lows more. My story is based on my mental health. Last year i recorded it and this year im posting last year’s recordings. I’m trying to make a difference and give myself a purpose. I do get nothing happens overnight but id love to borrow a crystal ball! Anyone got one?

Just to be clear this is being written today. 6th Jan 2018. As I’ve just typed, I’ve realise that you guys in USA write your dates differently! That mean i need to do the date, just as I have going forward. Ive learned something today. Go blogging!

Any suggestions would be really helpful but here’s what im not comfortable with at the moment. Sharing on Facebook. Its far to close to home and would be giving my current world and friends a magnifying glass, and allowing them in. At this point i should tell you again why im doing it. My sanity and the hope i can help others. I need a purpose and I’ve always been good at giving advice and helping others. My personality will come across confident and friendly and sure i’m confident at points and ill always help you out but i do tend to over think! Maybe i should stop now and cross my fingers for some feed back. Tell me What Am I Missing

Daily Pledges

My Daily Pledges

To read understand and feel every morning

Today I will stand tall with my head held high knowing I will give to the world as much as I can, I push myself to lead the way with passion and energy. I am prepared to learn and as I change so will my world.

5 things to quit right now

  1. Trying to please everyone – There is no need to please everyone just consider
  2. Putting yourself down – Gravity pulls you down so you should big yourself up
  3. Living in the past – If you’re always looking back, then you will never be in the present which means you’re effecting your future.
  4. Fearing Change – To improve our lives change must happen. You’re not still crawling like a baby, are you?
  5. Overthinking – Is something we do when we worry. Why acknowledge worry? Why not change thoughts to positive ones?

Remember every morning with progression and a positive attitude you will succeed

Fear has two meanings

Forget Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Rise

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new – Dalai Lama

Belief is waiting for you every second of the day, just give it a chance and it will appear. – Barry Daniels 24/01/2017

Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people – Unknowns

05/02/2017 – I Can’t Drink Anymore -A Year Ago Today

It’s been two days since I decided that I really can’t drink anymore. My bottle of red was washed down the sink followed by 4 cans of cider and a huge wakeup call. I frequently use drink to remove myself from feelings that are slowly taking over my life. While I can’t pin point where it all steam from, it doesn’t take me long to remember many many things I’ve fucked up due to drink.Head banging

Here’s an example for you. I attended a group after being referred by a doctor in October 2016. The company was called Time To Talk and they ran a group therapy based around anxiety. I know what you’re thinking, Woo hoo, party time! No, picture being stuck in a lift and someone passing wind! That’s right, this group contained lots of people feeling very awkward and at the mercy of each other! We had to discuss and offer up reason why we though anxiety haunted our lives. We all shared similar build ups to anxiety, but all suffered with it in different ways. One girl said that she couldn’t understand why I had a problem with going red. And I couldn’t understand why she cared that her friends though she was boring! She seemed intelligent and had a bit of mystic about her so boring wouldn’t have been my diagnosis. Anyway, we all have different problems with anxiety and whilst we were sharing our personal relationships with it, we worked out that our perception to an up and coming event was a big issue. Getting that gut wrenching pain in the stomach and foolish thoughts which would end up leading to embarrassment and shame. All this before any situation would take place! Even after an “event” we wouldn’t let ourselves of the hook. We continued to give examples of self-loathing and childlike feelings of failure because we can’t do the simple and normal things in life.

The group was to run for 10 weeks and they planned to show me many ways to overcome and build confidence around the anxiety issues. Now I only attend 2, and this was due to another big issue in my life, Alcohol! Once work OK’d the leave for me to attend these sessions, I then ended up going to pubs drinking the afternoon away instead of learning how to feel better. Drink seems to be my self-destruct mechanism. It’s made me a lair and very unreliable person. Its made me hurt family, friends and its already making difficult problems more difficult. I’m done with PRETENDEDING to be ok with life. Therefore, I’m going to stop drinking and start learning again.thumbs up

I’m going to use affirmations, running, weights, journaling, meditation and surround myself with positive thoughts. My daily pledges are going to be important too.

Targets for the coming week

  1. Run 15k
  2. Meditate everyday
  3. Find a new interest
  4. Get help to stop drinking
  5. Work out where I am in life and how I get to where I need to be


A Year Ago Today’s Next Post Will be 9th Feb.

Thank you for the likes and to you new followers watching my journey. Its great to be learning and enjoying this new blogging experience.