Single. Now what?

Im new to this. Its been at least 6 years where ive been single in mind. A time for me when having a child wasnt real too conparehend. Well 3 kids and beautiful smiles later im in a new world. Now what? Fuck anxity. This shit is worse. Its woke me up. I cant worry like i have no more. Im in my own and ive gotta jump right at it.

Thats all for now…

Single. Now what!

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22nd Feb 2017 – Dreams V Real Life AYAT

I had to run this morning. I dreamt about drinking last night! I was in a pub with lots of people from the past and I was acting like some kind of Russell Brand charter! For some reason there were lots of women all over me and loving my charm. Like I said, it was a dream! The main thing I’m getting from this dream is that I’m drinking booze init. I wasn’t questioning myself while partying away in dream land, and at least here I can’t get a hangover right? Wrong!! I felt like crap when i woke up because, I was living a life that didn’t really exist. I wasn’t having to say “I’m doing better or I’m back at work and things are going great”. I’m not having to wake up and think about my non-drinking pledges.

Well I’m awake now and i have work, so I meditated in bed but was still unable to calm myself and was fidgeting and scratch my head, beard and in doings so disturbed the process of calming my thoughts which never normally happens. Luckily for me it’s running morning which will give me the chance to physically run away even if mentally i’m stuck.

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This is slow compared to normal but i’m carrying mental baggage

I ran 5.4k around Greenwich Park. When I hit the hill I was still doubting everything, I tried my meditational breathing while running which by the way was near on impossible due to being out of breath. I shouted out affirmations like, “I am a strong man. I am in control of this moment. I am great” ect! Luckily with persistence and knowing deep down that I create my own world by mastering my mind. I’m now standing in Waterloo station, it’s rush hour and the trains delayed and I’m typing on my phone and nothing is bothering me. I’ve already achieved some good things today that has more purpose than speeding forward in this rat race. I’ve changed my thoughts and I’ve stuck to my daily to do’s and In doing that i feel strong and powerful again. That’s a good feeling now let’s see what the day brings. I’ll keep my clear picture in my head of seeing all my beautiful children this morning all bright eyed and smiling. I’m a lucky guy!

 

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My Daily to Do’s

 

 

It’s home time and I’m currently fighting my way through the joys of rush hour. As ever I’m typing away on a high speed and very packed train. The reason I’m adding to my earlier post is I was hit by the dreaded red face today! I’ve been back at work for 3 days and I’m feeling the heat more constantly again. It’s a shame as I’ve had another good sales day. 6 sales. 5 yesterday and 3 the day of my return so it’s clearly not performance related. This is really hindering my life. It’s like I haven’t grown up properly. I mean why am I going red when my CEO asks how the day went?! I’m the team leader, it fucks me off! Honestly, I’ve seen the rabbit in pepper pig do this every time she speaks and it’s just embarrassing to be able to relate to Rebecca Rabbit! WTF!

red face rabbit.png

I can only think how uncomfortable other people must feel seeing me go red or blushing. I know it happened today and I know it isn’t just me feeling it and no one seeing it. I come across so confident to people in the office and probably to most people I know. I very much doubt that people would believe that I that get hung up on this miner shit. Though you can be assured, the sun will rise tomorrow, and I’ll also go red at least 5 times. It kills me, and I hate the feeling I’m left with. I know I’m reprogramming but this is just annoying as it really holds me back I think, shit I had 3 months of due to this crap….it’s a shame to end an overall strong day on a low note but that’s real life and I’m no master yet!!

20th Feb 2017 – Mind over matter. Returning to work. AYAT

My belly is in knots! I’m not feeling like the guy who’s been boasting about being at one with himself these recent weeks. If anything, I’m feeling more like the old me who sneaks off to the pub all day and pretends to go to work because I can’t deal with the mental stress. I’m currently on the train from Waterloo to Clapham Junction. It’s rush hour and I’m now only 2 more stops until I have to get off and head to work. I’m feeling so nervous and uncomfortable. The questions ringing in my head again, my breathing technics have gone with the wind it seems, but I know i have too think positive to pull through this! The self-destruction and evil inner thoughts are now in full flow. “Go to the pub, your sick note covers you until tomorrow anyway” it continues “Work is horrendous, why do this to yourself, you’re only making yourself sicker!”

Chimp_Paradox_coverIn the book The Chimp Paradox, by DR Steven Peter’s. he would refer to these thoughts as my Chimp talking to me. The emotional part of the brain (the Chimp) pulling rank and over ruling logic. It’s nicknamed the chimp because its 5 times stronger than the logical part of the brain known as the Human. Clearly the DR has dumbed down the highly complex brain, click the link to get a truly worthy insight to learning about your brain. Right now I’m defiantly in a situation where I need to calm my inner chimp, but it is proving to be very difficult. The fact it’s putting drink back into my head is scary. Clearly evading work is also related to a pint of beer in my world. It’s crazy how it all works and how much effort I’m needing to put in to control it. Anyway, my phone is nearly got knocked out my hand as I’m walking and typing at rush hour so I’ll stop until later and see where I’ve taken myself too!

I made it to work! That’s even though I torchered myself all morning with negative thoughts because i didn’t want to do what I HAD too! At lunch I spoke with my very great little brother Steve. 1 year younger and a little bit taller than me, but it still feels good calling him little bro. He made me realise or I should say, reminded me I’ve made some positive changes for the better.

I write daily dairy’s which have improved my writing skills, and considering at secondary school I was placed in the Special Needs Department when it came to English lesson, as they saw it fit for me to receive help with my reading and writing I’m doing fairly well on my own now. I meditate to help feel in the moment and at one with myself. I work out and these activities are fixing my naturally depressive/unhappy self.

mistake

So why did I go back to the dark place again this morning!? Is it possible I don’t want to get better! Does that even make sense? Can I really want to be a sad chump with no glimmer of hope? It’s clear that habits are hard to break and this is a lesson/test. I need to keep on keeping on. Being drunk again won’t help me work and will prevent good things that I achieved yesterday.

Yesterday I ran 5.5k with worms. Then went swimming with the tribe (my 3 children + Nic) and after that I took the little man to see the Lego Batman movie. All great things to do while I’m not drinking and don’t have a hangover on a Sunday. It even helped my keep my mind off today and returning to work.

It’s crazy that through my recent choices and wanting to change my life for the better I’m becoming more responsible for me. I think it’s helping me that I’m giving myself a purpose and recording my journey. This in turn is keeping me accountable for my actions and will hopefully lead to a brighter future I’ll know for sure in a year’s time!

Anyway, its Nic’s birthday and I’m nearly home so best get on.

17 Feb 2017 – An Orange for me please mate! AYAT

I managed it….i went out with the boys and drunk orange juice all night!! I probably had far too much but I didn’t get a hangover!! I must admit, I had been worrying quite a lot on whether I could pull this off. Could I not drink when out with the lads? Considering I doubt I’ve ever not drunk in a pub, this in my mind was going to be such a challenge. 15 years of drinking without ever really taking a break! Having said that, I did go travelling for a year when I was 20. I spent 5 weeks in India. I was in Rajasthan for 2-3 weeks and drink wasn’t really available then due to the religion and culture, so I have had a little break maybe. That aside, this was without a doubt my biggest test as I added pressure on myself announcing to the boys on WhatsApp that I don’t plan to drink for at least a year! I have no doubt some of the boys were rolling around on the floor laughing in a puddle of their own urine. However, i’m thinking this drinking draught will be for at least 20 years, but let’s take small steps and do a day at a time. giphy good one

Strangely asking for an Orange was very weird. I felt a little bit silly as it was so far from the norm. The bar lady said “anything else?” My brain was like Vodka which I choose to share with my mate Joe, yet i kept the bar lady in the dark. “that’s it thank you!” Shortly after Joe asked why I was knocking drink on the head? A good question which I’m sure I’ll be answering a lot for a while. “The best way I can explain it is, if I had a drink tonight then there is a higher chance I wouldn’t go back into work on Monday. This would undo all the hard work I’ve done to get myself to this point.” (if you haven’t been reading my previous blogs, I’ve been out of work for 3 months as I suffering with anxiety and I’ve always had an underlining depressive section to my personality) “I’d ,more than likely want a drink again Saturday, then possible Sunday but defiantly Monday! I’d uses the stress of returning to work as a trigger to hit the pub and pretend to be at work! It’s best I leave it for now” I think at this point Joe was relived he doesn’t have this kind of relationship with drink!  raw thank god

I feel lucky that ive put these changes into action, I’ve made a big decision to stop all that was making me unwell. I feel a lot more positive I’ve seen that I can be out drinking with my mates and not be getting drunk and still have a great time. I felt sharper. I felt like a comedian dealing with hecklers, so when banter was aimed at me I became comedy assassin, firing off eye watering comebacks and telling people to point their banterlicious remakes elsewhere or your become the butt of your own joke. You will be slayed by this sober guy on a life high! This is clearly my attempt at a bit creative writing, but this is boarder line truth! truth

I’m really enjoying writing too, it’s something that’s allowing me to release un said thoughts into the world and now they are here for you to read! Writing is also allowing me to review my progression too. I know it will be a year on when it comes to editing this, but if I wanted to look back I can as well. Writing along with all the other things I’ve incorporated with my daily routines, I’m currently in control of my mind, body and soul. I’m looking forward to the future and really hope to keep up the good work. And hopefully these daily dairy’s can help others too.

I’m going to cut this one off now and wish you a good day.

 

14 Feb 2017 – Return To Work Meeting – AYAT

I went to my work meeting!! That’s right, me waking up meditating and reading my pledges got me to attend my return to work meeting! I’m feeling good and very proud as I’ve had around million thoughts’ and all of them telling me to turn back, or just blow it out altogether!

It feels so good to be me right now. No drinking, no drugs and I’m not allowing my negative thoughts overwhelm my positive ones!  I’m currently on the train heading towards Waterloo smiling like a Cheshire cat!

 

cheshire cat

Have I actually cracked it!?… Will i be returning to work next week, earning money again. Have I got the strength of mind to beat pretty much beat any fear now?! I was really going through the paces this morning too. I had so much going on in my mind, it was like spaghetti junction! I do like spaghetti, but I do prefer it on a plate rather than in my brain box complicating life. Thankfully as I mentioned I meditated this morning which helped me calm down a lot. In fact, if I told you about 5 minutes before I went into the build I was actually excited, you probably wouldn’t believe me! It was crazy, breathing in through the nose and exhaling as I walked by the River Thames really brought me at one with myself. Fresh air and positivity was the outcome. Hopefully my daily habits are going a long way to help me rewire my brain and change my relationship with anxiety!

Happy Valentines day ya’ll

13th Feb 2017 – The Build Up – AYAT

So tomorrow is a big day that i never thought would be happening. I thought I’d run and hide like so many time before. Fonehouse (the company that I work for) would be like so many other companies on my CV that I’d never returned too due to my anxiety.

The questions. Oh the questions. It’s normal for people to ask question when you’ve been away for a few months. “where have you been? we thought you had left! Is everything ok?” All vailed ways to ask someone you haven’t seen, I’ve been told most of my work colleges have been kept in the dark, so I understand why they may be surprised.

I touched base with one of the good guys on my team. I’ve asked Sunny to meet me out the front on his fag break, hopefully this will ease the nerves before I enter. Let’s remember I’ve absent due to my anxiety, and thinking about this to much will make it blow through the roof. Even talking about it now is make my stomach do back flips and I’m starting to question whether I actually need to go at all!? Well I don’t need to go, but I want to show to myself that I’m turning a corner and I believe everything I’m saying to myself daily.

5 things to quit right now

  1. Trying to please everyone
  2. Putting yourself down
  3. Living in the past
  4. Fearing Change
  5. Overthinking.

Remember every morning with progression and a positive attitude you will succeed

I’ll also share my daily pledge.

Today I will stand tall with my head held high knowing I will give to the world as much as I can, I push myself to lead the way with passion and energy, I am prepared to learn and as I change so will the world.

Fear has two meanings

Forget Everything And Run OR Face Everything And Rise

 

This is 1 part of what I currently reading daily. I’ve stuck my daily pledge on the fridge and other positive words and directions too. I have no doubt that reading this is helping me mentally and me saying this over and over to myself will make me 100 times happier. All my doubts can be seen in those 5 areas. I can’t move forward without taking this 1st step. I do believe in what I read and say to myself and that’s why I will succeed because I’m happy to feel uncomfortable…he says through gritted teeth.

 

I wanted to share this as I feel I need reminding of the fear, of the doubt that is still swirling around, but with a different outlook is making me push myself in another way. I can, and I will go through this tomorrow, and It will be another step to me getting back on track.

 

Here’s a quote I wrote for myself when I started.

Belief is waiting for you every minute of the day, just give it a chance and it will appear. – Barry Daniels 24/01/2017

12th Feb 2017 I’ll Hold Your Hair Back -AYAT

12/02/2017

A boiling hot bath is my office right now, bubbles and the noise of 3 children under the age 4 running riot! Ahh this is the life! At least I’m in the bath and there’s a door in the way J I can have a nice chill and write down my thoughts. I’m feeling and doing good today. I’ve got a HR meeting on Tuesday morning. It seems my email to work has worked wonders and prompted them to see if I’m ok! Now I need to apply my positive mindset and tell myself that I can get there. I will attend. There’s nothing to be scared of, just do it. I’ll remove the option of might or I’ll try get to this meeting. The meeting is happening and it’s more steps in the right direction. I’m starting to believe that me thinking positively is giving me positivity back. I’m literally manifesting an easier world by embracing fear more. Like our picture in the front room says Life begins and the end of your comfort zone. Right now, I’m down with that!!

Not drinking this weekend has been relatively easy. The fact I was holding my fiancées hair back as she was being sick down the toilet helped a lot….. ahhh ahaha. Of course, Saturday was a wipe out for Nic. Like a ship with a hole in it, she was going nowhere!! I feel pretty dam good for the 2nd weekend running. Clearly my pledges, meditation, fitness and all-round outlook is better. My brain seems to feel less clouded and more of a clear. I’ll keep up my forward planning and targets and hope for more success.

Things that are coming these next 7 days.

  1. Tennis
  2. work meeting
  3. football, running, weights,

4.Meditation.

  1. Popping to a pub with friends and not drinking.
  2. Valentine’s day. Hopefully I can add a few other things but let’s just see.
  3. Charmill first post done

Last weeks Missions

  1. 12k has been registered…..possibly more has been done but due to it being football I was unable to track correctly
  2. 5 out of 7 days Meditating. Feeling a lot more at ease and clear in the mind.
  3. New interest, well im fully into learning more about blogging.
  4. Ive still not looked for help with drink yet. This is mainly because I’d rather wait until I get a big urge to drink. I also feel that I’m giving myself a lot of purpose and reason to stay clear with feeling good and thinking straight
  5. I’m very much focused on writing a blog for a year before posting. An achievement for me would be not drinking and have a strong and clear blog on how I did it.

10th Feb 2017 A Year Ago Today

It’s the first real Friday that drink HAS been an option. Last Friday I hungover and sorry so I didn’t wanna push my luck. My overall feeling today is still strong, positive and excited about all the possible opportunities that quitting drink will give me. I know that stopping THE Devils DRINK doesn’t change the world, and I will wake up Barry Daniels again. But if I put as much time into being good to myself as I did to drink and drugs I’ll be flying! It may even free up some time to do some rock climbing with my children. I also want to run a half marathon. It would be nice to read this blog in a years’ time and be proud of myself. Fingers crossed I’m year 1 week and 1 day without drinking!

My fear at this point is failure and falling back to my drinking habits once I go back to work. I feel like I might justify drinking again because I’ve got myself back to work. I hope not. Even while I’m writing this its seems in conservable I will last 2 months. A year is going to be a hell of a challenge. I’ve got 3 weddings to attend. 2 without the little monkeys. So should I just drink on these weekends? It’s hard to imagine myself in Gozo, on a beach, without a cocktail that contains alcohol! Maybe its best to go back to the one day at a time rule!

And here’s another maybe. Maybe one day I could become a public speaker and tell the tales and the struggles that I’ve been through and show people what the other side looks like. I’d like to do this even though I suffer with anxiety and go red in the face, my mess can be my message. It would make a nice change to be doing something worthwhile with life rather than the same old 9 to 5, working myself to the bone for someone else to benefit. (I’m aware that I’m currently not working) I’m just looking for a purpose and I’m telling you about it.

Right, time to crack on. My little Millie needs to go a bed, and nic out for the night, and unlike nights of old, I won’t be wearing a red wine lipstick to bed.

Cool time to go and put another cross on my calendar.

9th Feb 17 – The Devils Drink – A Year Ago Today

It will be a week tomorrow. Yes, one whole week avoiding the devils drink! I heard that phrase once whilst perched at a bar enjoying a pint instead of working. The guy that made this comment clearly had his problems with drink as he looked as if he’d wished that he could be anywhere else but this pub. A regular shouted “do you fancy a pint mate” the guy fired back “that’s the devils drink, it ruins lives and it won’t be touching my lips again!” With that the Irish fella sharply left the pub. He was only in his 20’s I’d imagine, he was only in there to handed something to the lady behind the bar. I’m wondering whether I’ll go through this phase too?! Feel angry and frustrated by drink and the pains its brought to me?! I hope not, as I’d like to picture myself calm collected, wiser through pushing myself and beating my demons. I in vision a more buddha like ora with a following white beard! wise man

As I said above, nearly one week isn’t a long time. However, if you picture yourself being in a room with no windows, no lights, at that point one week in time would seem a lot longer. That’s clearly a metaphor as I have 3 children, many windows and that means loads of light with plenty of entertainment. So, I’m luckier than some. As you would know through reading previous post I’ve used drink for so much of my life and I’ve used it to fill massive canyon size holes within me. By stopping, it may enable me to create a new life for myself and gain some sort of control?

drunk - no thanksA life that wouldn’t include hangovers. No drunken acts of foolishness. No taking the edge off an awkward situation no more. Whilst I’m typing this, I’m already questioning whether I’m really ready to take this battle on…I mean hangovers aren’t all bad and I like taking the edge off. I even like sitting by myself in pubs and drinking instead of going to work! Yet its holding me back from the best me. My family aren’t getting the best me, which means they aren’t getting what they deserve. For that reason and a lot more, I must take this option. No drinking. No excuse. It only has to be for a year! God knows what I might achieve if I put more effort in having fun and a healthier way of life. I’m the only me there is. There won’t be another me, so I need to love and care for myself.

I want to say at this point due to the 5th Feb’s post being a bit down beat, that im in a good place at the moment. I’m keeping to my daily to do list. Reading my pledges, writing post, mediating more days than not, and keep fit and playing football which I love. I feel positive and know that I’m definitely walking down the right path. I have a clearer vision of what I want to achieve and if I follow my guidelines then I can make it possible. We live this life once and it’s important to that I take control and keep to my morning rituals.

Where will I be in a years’ time? I’ll know, but you’ll be reading this and hopefully we keep on this positive journey.

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