12/03/2017 Why so long?

How am I feeling?

I feel very strong yet at the same time wondering, where am I? I’m not lost, I’m trying to make sense what’s happening and why….. I’m being asked frequently “why are you not drinking?” My quick general reply has been “Well if I drunk today then there is a high possibility that I won’t go to work one day next week, or even the week after that.”  It will probably make me want to drink by myself in a few pubs in London. I may even go casino spend money I don’t have all just to be the man who no one knows, with no background or past. It’s its own drug in a way. I enjoy it when I do it. That’s even though I will feel terrible for so many reasons later that day or the next morning. I’m now picturing the pubs and the bars that I’ve got myself drunk in, remembering the freedom as if it was a positive experience when ultimately it leaves me feeling sad and alone! This has slowed me down so many times in life. I’ve done this countless amounts of times and well-hidden it very well. It has put me down the life ladder a lot. Therefore, I have to stop drinking for a year at least. I must master my madness, my sickness, my drinking. If I don’t drink for a year, I’d have had some control of the drink. And IF…I mean once its complete, I’m in control.

Length of time

Some might say 6 months is long enough. Some may even say 3 months is a good amount of time to show restraint, but I want to master this. I want to show its possible, to myself and by practicing daily I can changing my belief patterns. My mum said she is very proud of me today. We were at a pub garden in Hern Bay for the afternoon and she was impressed. Mainly because she probably hasn’t seen me not drinking booze when alcohol is on the menu. (clearly being a kid doesn’t count in that statement) So this was pretty massive too her! Its huge for me too, but I’m living this transformation and therefore I’m kinda getting used to it. It’s a powerful position in terms of life because I’m showing to other and me that I can do more than I ever thought possible.

I give it a year and that’s a different story. A lot would have changed in my life. I may still have some of the feelings but ultimately, I’ll be in a different head space. Talking to different people and hopefully I’ll have a different perception on my drinking.

I’ve booked into my first sporting event which sees me doing 10k over all sorts of obstacles. The events call Rough Runner. I wouldn’t be taking part of this had I not stopped drinking and exercised 6 days a week. I also plan to enter the Southend half marathon in July. 12 miles which I’ve never done before, but I do have an I can do attitude now. I feel cleverer and strong and I have the belief. I have a day to day life and I don’t always think when’s my next drink is like I use too. That shit really clouded my thoughts and happiness. I’m loving life right now and I can only continue that if I keep to my daily plans and pushing myself.

I’m grateful for the time in the pub today. I got to play football with my son, hiding seek with my daughter and teach them both how to throw a Frisbee. And that’s all because I’m making a change. I love what is happening, long may it continue.


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