12/03/2017 Why so long?

How am I feeling?

I feel very strong yet at the same time wondering, where am I? I’m not lost, I’m trying to make sense what’s happening and why….. I’m being asked frequently “why are you not drinking?” My quick general reply has been “Well if I drunk today then there is a high possibility that I won’t go to work one day next week, or even the week after that.”  It will probably make me want to drink by myself in a few pubs in London. I may even go casino spend money I don’t have all just to be the man who no one knows, with no background or past. It’s its own drug in a way. I enjoy it when I do it. That’s even though I will feel terrible for so many reasons later that day or the next morning. I’m now picturing the pubs and the bars that I’ve got myself drunk in, remembering the freedom as if it was a positive experience when ultimately it leaves me feeling sad and alone! This has slowed me down so many times in life. I’ve done this countless amounts of times and well-hidden it very well. It has put me down the life ladder a lot. Therefore, I have to stop drinking for a year at least. I must master my madness, my sickness, my drinking. If I don’t drink for a year, I’d have had some control of the drink. And IF…I mean once its complete, I’m in control.

Length of time

Some might say 6 months is long enough. Some may even say 3 months is a good amount of time to show restraint, but I want to master this. I want to show its possible, to myself and by practicing daily I can changing my belief patterns. My mum said she is very proud of me today. We were at a pub garden in Hern Bay for the afternoon and she was impressed. Mainly because she probably hasn’t seen me not drinking booze when alcohol is on the menu. (clearly being a kid doesn’t count in that statement) So this was pretty massive too her! Its huge for me too, but I’m living this transformation and therefore I’m kinda getting used to it. It’s a powerful position in terms of life because I’m showing to other and me that I can do more than I ever thought possible.

I give it a year and that’s a different story. A lot would have changed in my life. I may still have some of the feelings but ultimately, I’ll be in a different head space. Talking to different people and hopefully I’ll have a different perception on my drinking.

I’ve booked into my first sporting event which sees me doing 10k over all sorts of obstacles. The events call Rough Runner. I wouldn’t be taking part of this had I not stopped drinking and exercised 6 days a week. I also plan to enter the Southend half marathon in July. 12 miles which I’ve never done before, but I do have an I can do attitude now. I feel cleverer and strong and I have the belief. I have a day to day life and I don’t always think when’s my next drink is like I use too. That shit really clouded my thoughts and happiness. I’m loving life right now and I can only continue that if I keep to my daily plans and pushing myself.

I’m grateful for the time in the pub today. I got to play football with my son, hiding seek with my daughter and teach them both how to throw a Frisbee. And that’s all because I’m making a change. I love what is happening, long may it continue.


22/03/2017 Redundancy Day


Redundancy Day

I’m going to start by patting myself on the back and recognise how far I’ve come. Had I not taken the steps I’ve taken at the start of this year, I probably wouldn’t even be in the position I’m in now. That’s a happy one just to be clear. I would definitely still be binge drinking and being all down believing I was worthless. However, today I’m on the way to my redundancy meeting, with my head held high knowing this is just another stepping stone leading me to my future of progression. I won’t be turning to drink like to many times before and I won’t be arguing the decision. I’ve worked hard by pushing myself daily so I don’t let outside influence effect this positive journey I’m on. Granted there is every chance it could be a struggle to find the perfect job/next job, but what I must believe in is me! I should feel proud of what I’m achieving daily. There is no doubt the thoughts of drinking is subsiding and becoming less and less, and that’s even with the potentially embarrassing situation off being told I don’t have a job any more, and even then having to say goodbye to all the people that do still have jobs! However with me learning meditation and valuing being in the moment I know whilst I’m typing this into my phone in rush hour of the London underground to continue thinking positively and not to dwell. When it comes to saying good bye to my work mates I think they will think, he was a good guy with the right sprite and attitude and this company have let go a winner. Clearly I’ll continue this blog once I’ve been in my redundancy meeting. I’d of lived all these thoughts for real by then and it will no longer be speculation. But for now I’m calm and at peace looking ahead to see what I can do next.

a time 

So I’m on route home from Clapham Junction to Greenwich. It’s 03.07pm

Well that was different! I’ve had a whole host of different feelings today. When I arrived I was the tea boy happily offering my services to everyone. This kept me away from my desks and whilst I was cracking jokes, clearly over compensating the awkwardness I felt. Best joke was, when I told people I was looking for a personal trainer to learn how to do the splits. When I found one he asked “how flexible are you”? I said “I cant do Tuesday’s” hahaha

Anyway eventually I had the meeting where I was told that the decision on my team leader position still wasn’t clear, even though I had been given a week’s notice that company we’re considering making the Web Sales Team leaders position redundant! What I’d like to think is they were buying me some time to earn some extra money and have more chance to find a job. I had been with these guys for 2years and 9months I’ve had 2 kids whilst working there, so they know me and I know them. That being said I knew my days were numbered. It’s like a relationship, where the boy and girl decide that things aren’t really working and rather then just end things, they making it more complicated and say shall we go on a break! When really cutting ties is normally a better way to go allowing you to think straight…..we’ve all seen Friends and how that worked for Ross and Racheal!! WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!

aa We were on a break

So being mentally prepared and knowing this was going to be happening I stressed that I though I’d be leaving today. I’ve cleared my emails, spit shinned the desk and was waiting for you just confirm the inevitable. I think Javad the HR guy was surprised, he probably thought why is he wanting to get this done so quickly? He then mentioned he wanted to call me back to another meeting next week! Clearly that’s when he’d feel more comfortable with pulling the trigger. That wasn’t for me though, I pushed for a decision in the near future! “Ok come back at 5pm and I’ll see if I con get confirmation by then” he said. At that point I needed to make an intervention, I wasn’t really feeling doing another whole day knowing that they didn’t want me.  “unfortunately I have appointment with a recruitment agency and would need to leave by 1.30, as I said I’m ready to go” Pinocchio would be well gel! I can lie and my nose doesn’t grow an inch!! Negotiation….i do have a City and Guilds in this, and I’m a highly trained salesman, I know how to work a situation especially when I already know the outcome. They are still intending to make me jobless so holding off until 5pm or next week is pointless.

I then left his office re-joined  my work colleges and well, we all  had a great laught as if we knew it was going to be our last few hours. It did make me 2nd guess myself and wonder if another week with this lot would actually be that bad. I quickly snapped out of that and remembered my relstionship advice moving on is better with a quick break!

1.30pm came, I was called into the HR office to be told “it was as we excepected, unfortunately the Web Sales Team Leader position has been made redundant!” Finally, I’m able to make this clean break and push myself forward, I’m at my best physically and mentally there isn’t a better time for me to look for a new job! I was then told about the money side of things, which I must admit hadn’t really been playing on my mind much due to a few negative things that had been said to me. Like I’ll get jack shit! Well they were wrong, the figure I said I wanted to save by a years time only 2 weeks ago was offered to me with redundancy pay. The law of attraction is well and truly happening here…I was to be paid £4500 to be exact.

This will be my first proper pay for months, as I had been off sick since November suffering from stress and anxiety and I’d only returned in February. Some people though this is why they are letting me go, however I’d like to think I’m in this position because this is my path. It allowed my to be brave and return back to work when I never thought I could, it allowed me to see my value of all the work im doing for myself. And it showed me my changes have worked, I do enjoy work again with out all the over thinking! I also now get the chance of a fresh start and a new challenge. Its been 48 days since I last had a drink of booze , I meditate, exercise and make a daily pledge to myself, This happens 6 times a week. I’ve come along way and when it came to saying goodbye and breaking the news I was leaving, I did it better than I expected. I looked them in the eyes told them its been a pleasure and got the feeling that In many ways, I had impact them over the years too.


I want to finish by saying I’m grateful for where I am today, and all those hard times are blessings in disguise without them I wouldn’t have had the learning experiences I have today.

I’d love to hear your views on this blog as I would like to write more going forward.

Anyone struggling with anxiety depression and all round just feeling down in the dumps, believe me I never thought I could feel full of belief and happy, but by recording how you feel and tracking your progression you can do some amazing things.


Thanks for reading

Barry to Baz

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