I made a plan! You gotta be shitting me!

2019 Here I come……..

I want
To have a clear and happy mind.

Steps to having this
Exercise, Meditate, be thankful, self-belief.

Years Goals
Kick boxing, Football, Running. Be dedicated to a competitive sport.

Short term goal
Exercise 3 times a week at least. Revisit this on 1st Feb

I want
To find a job with comms, good earning potential and enjoyment.

Steps to having this
A sale role with good targets and a product I believe in. Show the fun positive helpful version of yourself. Smile when it gets hard and push harder.

Years Goals
6 months into new role, look back and smile and push forward making the next 6 months the best money earnt to date.

Short term goals
Update CV, be proactive, minimum of 10 applications a day. Set up Linked in account. Revisit 14th January

I want
To provide for children and a family holiday

Steps to having this
Be in a position where you can pay a decent amount to Nic for kids. Holiday abroad for all of us, days out for kids. Soft play and time with their friends.

Years Goals
£200 per month to Nic on top of everything else you provide by 4th July. Family holiday nearly paid for. Holiday/Break with friends.

Short term goals
Keep on top of finances and active in job search. Revisit 1st Feb

I want
Conclusion between me and Nic

Steps to having this
What is happening? Know and let her know where I stand in relationship. Separate kids from decision as love for Nic needs to be for her.

Years Goals
Sit down and talk by 4th July if nothing has been discussed. Together or not? (goals will change accordingly)

Short Term Goals
Limit time spending with kids at Nic’s and spend more time at my house. This will help preparing for getting back to work, leaving less of a shock for kids and everyone’s emotional state. Revisit 1st Feb

I want
To spend time with family and friends

Steps to having this
Visit grandparents as much as possible, never leave longer than 2 months. Enjoy nights with friends, try to make 1 drinking night and activity day/night each month.

Years Goals
Make kids weekends about kids, take them out, enjoy home time play games. Take both sets of Grandparents out to do something they enjoy.

Short term Goals
Look after Millie as operation is on 4th Jan. Charlies Birthday is 24th. Routines can help all of us. Revisit 1st March.

I want to
Write, record, explain, have fun outside of work

Steps to having this
To write about the above, the journey. Update WordPress as “A Year Ago Today” needs to change. Possibly write a book including the 200 plus pages you already have, add positive spin and keep believing by not over thinking

Years Goals
Frequently keep active with online content, writing and showing commitment to helping other through personal development.

Short term
Change online description, update site, showing your new plans. Revisit 4th Jan

I want to
Rewarded myself for hard work. Phone, holiday, fun with children and friends.

Steps to do this
Keeping congratulating yourself. Every step forward is progress, buy nice things to celebrate doing well, share this with kids and friends

Years Goals
New phone with good camera, Clothes, buy yourself a little something every month. Look good feel good.

Short Term Goals
Be working by 1st Feb and so I can reward myself. Revisit 1st Feb

I Want to
Save and invest.

Steps to do this
Keep motivated to save. Make small investments so money can build monthly

Years Goals
£2000 in saving/ Investments. Working on myself and keeping targets high. 2k is achievable

Short term goals
Whatever money goes into bet account, must be matched in way of savings or Investments
Revisit 13th Jan

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Happy 2019 :)

Hey. Its Sunday. A new year to enjoy and be thankful for. Happiness is there to be grabbed and enjoyed by everyone. So, feel warm and happy knowing that I wish the best year in everything you do. Love yourself and know your never alone, we all share the same feelings and pressures. With time you learn to cope and become stronger. Never doubt it and keep on keeping on. Happy 2019 🙂

Criticism, Fear and Anxiety.

2pm start today. I do like my late shifts. In bed right now writing this. I do wish I wasn’t writing in this context though, as things have been going so good for so long. Just over 3 months id say. It feels like long time as I’ve not felt to much fear or anxiety as I’ve managed to keep positive and think outwardly and not inwardly. Clearly that’s less self-criticisms and more confidence. I started this new job just under 3 months ago and this was off the back of a dyer low point in my life but was lucky given new anti-depressants that seemed to calm me and along with working out and a couple of other bits got me working again. I’ve had 5 jobs this year! I’ve left, not turned up, been let go and this has all been down to anxiety, depression and fear of criticism, being all around unhappy. Drinking, drugs were all ways of me trying to get a release from myself. Unfortunately, as most of us will know, this doesn’t make the situation any better. It’s a sure-fire way of becoming worse. It’s a great way to set you up for breaking down and feeling suicidal. So, you will understand why I’m not to happy to be feeling how I am today.

Continue reading “Criticism, Fear and Anxiety.”

A msg to my Dad. I didn’t send it!

This message seems to be sent at least 3 times a year. It does feel a little disrespectful on your part. Holly (my sister) asked to left alone and I respected that as I respect her. Maybe you like hearing from me and that why your sending cards to my children. You put grandad in there too, maybe that makes you feel better? When I was growing up, I didn’t have a grandad like you. Someone I didn’t see, hear from, didn’t like at least one of my parents. Plus, I knew them obviously.
By all means, if you wish to make amends and become a grandad, see the children rather than just sending cards your welcome too. However, I wouldn’t mind my dad being a dad and sort things out with Steve. Apologise to him, he’s your son and has done nothing wrong other than defended himself from lies you and Theresa (step mum) started.(it wasn’t a small lie, they made up a story about him cheating on his wife, and they have a beautiful family clearly they wanted to destroy) If he doesn’t want to know then fine, at least I can respect you as a man that tried and didn’t just give up on a son.
I think it’s even more important at this time you become more active for your mum.(my nan, 84 years old) I’ll be honest, I think how you’ve been with her for the last couple years has been terrible. I remember you uses too put that lady on a pedal stool, show her all the love and laughter she deserves from being a great mum to you. Now she’s lucky to get a phone call once a month and you haven’t seen her around a year! I don’t think you know how much she cares and loves you because if you did, you’d be there for her regardless of any other crap that’s gone on. Believe it or not, I also don’t want you to regret not being around her and making her sad for the final years of her life. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of being a good man being the son she feels she lost already.
As for me, I’m pretty simple. You have seen 2 of my three children, due to problems that you created, and even after i’ve tried to make life easier for you, you’ve failed to do the same back. I love you a lot and think it’s a shame how I lives are now but thankfully I’m at peace with the situation. Its important for me not to dwell on the things that hurt and instead put my time and happiness into my family. That’s why the only reason I ask the above. For your sake, nans, Steve’s and my family’s sake. I understand if you can’t, or don’t wish to do those things, but please stop sending the cards if that’s the case. As we can all probably just get on minus the cards each year.
It wasn’t easy writing this but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

A bed time thought to empower

I can only tell you that your strenght comes from with in your mind. Your thought

s guides your feelings and mòod. Being up or down is down to you. How you choose to go to bed is going to have an effext on how you wake up. Youre a indivadule and that is the same for everyone else. Know you will get positive feelings by being positive yourself. Smile,care and be the sunlight that you want to see. When a bad day comes, except it and know that tomorrow could/can be better. Prepare and be thankful. I care. You can do the same by mind over matter. Peace love and happiness. If your struggling it will get better and you can learn from it. You will be able to choose this. Dont blame others for your happiness. Be great by being yourself.

Breaking the Cycle with fingers crossed.

So, where I am today isn’t great. I’ve been contemplating giving up, as I’m struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Falling on my face over and over, repeating the same pattern and knowing the out come yet still doing it. It’s Insanity! I guess I’m at a point now where I’ve pushed so many people away and I’m so angry at the smallest things I cant seem to keep myself calm without drinking or getting high. I’ve spent more time out of work then ever. Ive lost my relationship and 3 children that I love so much, yet it isn’t enough right now to stop me digging a deeper hole. I don’t want to die but im hurting so many people I know and i’ve lost so much of me i don’t know who i am anymore. Honestly, I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been which will be why im getting worse.

i woke up last night as i have most nights lately due to the hot weather, thunderstorms and well, being depressed. I’m laying there with nothing but panic and fear, knowing when i wake up i’ve gotta do all the same shit over again. I’ve got no money will probably be homeless soon, i’ve not got anyone giving me a hug telling me it will be ok, here are the steps we need to follow. I know running and meditation will help, but i just seem to like torching myself. And like a hand on a clock, i’ll go around and around and around in the same circle until my battery gives up!

Luckily this morning my mum rung, about 10 times to make sure i was ok. i’d told her while drunk the night before i just cant be bothered anymore and as she lives over an hour away plus doesn’t actually know where i live. So her best options was to call me until i picked up.
Mum “you need to go to the doctors. No one can part with the money you want to go into rehab”
I reply ” i know what happens at doctors mum, ive been signed off sick so many times. If they asks about suicidal thoughts or if i wanna harm myself this time i’ll say yes. But i can guarantee they will give me contact numbers, give me tablets and that will be the end of it. No follow up, no checking on whether this vulnerable and ill person has followed the steps given to get better”
My mum replied “just go, i’ve not been able to sleep” I found that funny, as ive been having the same issue!! Anyway, i did go doctors, i did cry and i did ask for help but unfortunately mental health isn’t a quick fix. It takes time effort and a lot of patients non of which doctors seem to have time to do. There isn’t a magical drink that has been cooked up for this yet so i myself will have to put the hard yards in.

So as it stands, I’m still a poor fucker on the verge of homelessness but thankfully my little sister bailed me out with a weeks rent. This happened even with me saying i have no time frame as to when i’ll be able to pay her back. She texted me back and said just get better, that’s the main thing.
With that a side, I’m still a bit fucked on next steps however i did called all numbers given for help and have now taken a tablet.
I went to the shop and didn’t buy drink which if im honest i felt like doing but luckily a gobby woman was slagging off all alcoholics in the area to the lady behind the counter so opted to come home and eat a mug full of pasta, and type on my blog here.
I’m hoping to stop drinking and today be day number 1.
I owe it to my sister and my children to try and get back to the good guy that so many people loved once upon a time. And once i sort myself out i’m going to sort this sorry system out that is ticking boxes rather than dealing with problems.

22nd Feb 2017 – Dreams V Real Life AYAT

I had to run this morning. I dreamt about drinking last night! I was in a pub with lots of people from the past and I was acting like some kind of Russell Brand charter! For some reason there were lots of women all over me and loving my charm. Like I said, it was a dream! The main thing I’m getting from this dream is that I’m drinking booze init. I wasn’t questioning myself while partying away in dream land, and at least here I can’t get a hangover right? Wrong!! I felt like crap when i woke up because, I was living a life that didn’t really exist. I wasn’t having to say “I’m doing better or I’m back at work and things are going great”. I’m not having to wake up and think about my non-drinking pledges.

Well I’m awake now and i have work, so I meditated in bed but was still unable to calm myself and was fidgeting and scratch my head, beard and in doings so disturbed the process of calming my thoughts which never normally happens. Luckily for me it’s running morning which will give me the chance to physically run away even if mentally i’m stuck.

Screenshot_2018-04-02-13-04-56
This is slow compared to normal but i’m carrying mental baggage

I ran 5.4k around Greenwich Park. When I hit the hill I was still doubting everything, I tried my meditational breathing while running which by the way was near on impossible due to being out of breath. I shouted out affirmations like, “I am a strong man. I am in control of this moment. I am great” ect! Luckily with persistence and knowing deep down that I create my own world by mastering my mind. I’m now standing in Waterloo station, it’s rush hour and the trains delayed and I’m typing on my phone and nothing is bothering me. I’ve already achieved some good things today that has more purpose than speeding forward in this rat race. I’ve changed my thoughts and I’ve stuck to my daily to do’s and In doing that i feel strong and powerful again. That’s a good feeling now let’s see what the day brings. I’ll keep my clear picture in my head of seeing all my beautiful children this morning all bright eyed and smiling. I’m a lucky guy!

 

Screenshot 2018-04-02 13.26.06.png
My Daily to Do’s

 

 

It’s home time and I’m currently fighting my way through the joys of rush hour. As ever I’m typing away on a high speed and very packed train. The reason I’m adding to my earlier post is I was hit by the dreaded red face today! I’ve been back at work for 3 days and I’m feeling the heat more constantly again. It’s a shame as I’ve had another good sales day. 6 sales. 5 yesterday and 3 the day of my return so it’s clearly not performance related. This is really hindering my life. It’s like I haven’t grown up properly. I mean why am I going red when my CEO asks how the day went?! I’m the team leader, it fucks me off! Honestly, I’ve seen the rabbit in pepper pig do this every time she speaks and it’s just embarrassing to be able to relate to Rebecca Rabbit! WTF!

red face rabbit.png

I can only think how uncomfortable other people must feel seeing me go red or blushing. I know it happened today and I know it isn’t just me feeling it and no one seeing it. I come across so confident to people in the office and probably to most people I know. I very much doubt that people would believe that I that get hung up on this miner shit. Though you can be assured, the sun will rise tomorrow, and I’ll also go red at least 5 times. It kills me, and I hate the feeling I’m left with. I know I’m reprogramming but this is just annoying as it really holds me back I think, shit I had 3 months of due to this crap….it’s a shame to end an overall strong day on a low note but that’s real life and I’m no master yet!!

20th Feb 2017 – Mind over matter. Returning to work. AYAT

My belly is in knots! I’m not feeling like the guy who’s been boasting about being at one with himself these recent weeks. If anything, I’m feeling more like the old me who sneaks off to the pub all day and pretends to go to work because I can’t deal with the mental stress. I’m currently on the train from Waterloo to Clapham Junction. It’s rush hour and I’m now only 2 more stops until I have to get off and head to work. I’m feeling so nervous and uncomfortable. The questions ringing in my head again, my breathing technics have gone with the wind it seems, but I know i have too think positive to pull through this! The self-destruction and evil inner thoughts are now in full flow. “Go to the pub, your sick note covers you until tomorrow anyway” it continues “Work is horrendous, why do this to yourself, you’re only making yourself sicker!”

Chimp_Paradox_coverIn the book The Chimp Paradox, by DR Steven Peter’s. he would refer to these thoughts as my Chimp talking to me. The emotional part of the brain (the Chimp) pulling rank and over ruling logic. It’s nicknamed the chimp because its 5 times stronger than the logical part of the brain known as the Human. Clearly the DR has dumbed down the highly complex brain, click the link to get a truly worthy insight to learning about your brain. Right now I’m defiantly in a situation where I need to calm my inner chimp, but it is proving to be very difficult. The fact it’s putting drink back into my head is scary. Clearly evading work is also related to a pint of beer in my world. It’s crazy how it all works and how much effort I’m needing to put in to control it. Anyway, my phone is nearly got knocked out my hand as I’m walking and typing at rush hour so I’ll stop until later and see where I’ve taken myself too!

I made it to work! That’s even though I torchered myself all morning with negative thoughts because i didn’t want to do what I HAD too! At lunch I spoke with my very great little brother Steve. 1 year younger and a little bit taller than me, but it still feels good calling him little bro. He made me realise or I should say, reminded me I’ve made some positive changes for the better.

I write daily dairy’s which have improved my writing skills, and considering at secondary school I was placed in the Special Needs Department when it came to English lesson, as they saw it fit for me to receive help with my reading and writing I’m doing fairly well on my own now. I meditate to help feel in the moment and at one with myself. I work out and these activities are fixing my naturally depressive/unhappy self.

mistake

So why did I go back to the dark place again this morning!? Is it possible I don’t want to get better! Does that even make sense? Can I really want to be a sad chump with no glimmer of hope? It’s clear that habits are hard to break and this is a lesson/test. I need to keep on keeping on. Being drunk again won’t help me work and will prevent good things that I achieved yesterday.

Yesterday I ran 5.5k with worms. Then went swimming with the tribe (my 3 children + Nic) and after that I took the little man to see the Lego Batman movie. All great things to do while I’m not drinking and don’t have a hangover on a Sunday. It even helped my keep my mind off today and returning to work.

It’s crazy that through my recent choices and wanting to change my life for the better I’m becoming more responsible for me. I think it’s helping me that I’m giving myself a purpose and recording my journey. This in turn is keeping me accountable for my actions and will hopefully lead to a brighter future I’ll know for sure in a year’s time!

Anyway, its Nic’s birthday and I’m nearly home so best get on.

17 Feb 2017 – An Orange for me please mate! AYAT

I managed it….i went out with the boys and drunk orange juice all night!! I probably had far too much but I didn’t get a hangover!! I must admit, I had been worrying quite a lot on whether I could pull this off. Could I not drink when out with the lads? Considering I doubt I’ve ever not drunk in a pub, this in my mind was going to be such a challenge. 15 years of drinking without ever really taking a break! Having said that, I did go travelling for a year when I was 20. I spent 5 weeks in India. I was in Rajasthan for 2-3 weeks and drink wasn’t really available then due to the religion and culture, so I have had a little break maybe. That aside, this was without a doubt my biggest test as I added pressure on myself announcing to the boys on WhatsApp that I don’t plan to drink for at least a year! I have no doubt some of the boys were rolling around on the floor laughing in a puddle of their own urine. However, i’m thinking this drinking draught will be for at least 20 years, but let’s take small steps and do a day at a time. giphy good one

Strangely asking for an Orange was very weird. I felt a little bit silly as it was so far from the norm. The bar lady said “anything else?” My brain was like Vodka which I choose to share with my mate Joe, yet i kept the bar lady in the dark. “that’s it thank you!” Shortly after Joe asked why I was knocking drink on the head? A good question which I’m sure I’ll be answering a lot for a while. “The best way I can explain it is, if I had a drink tonight then there is a higher chance I wouldn’t go back into work on Monday. This would undo all the hard work I’ve done to get myself to this point.” (if you haven’t been reading my previous blogs, I’ve been out of work for 3 months as I suffering with anxiety and I’ve always had an underlining depressive section to my personality) “I’d ,more than likely want a drink again Saturday, then possible Sunday but defiantly Monday! I’d uses the stress of returning to work as a trigger to hit the pub and pretend to be at work! It’s best I leave it for now” I think at this point Joe was relived he doesn’t have this kind of relationship with drink!  raw thank god

I feel lucky that ive put these changes into action, I’ve made a big decision to stop all that was making me unwell. I feel a lot more positive I’ve seen that I can be out drinking with my mates and not be getting drunk and still have a great time. I felt sharper. I felt like a comedian dealing with hecklers, so when banter was aimed at me I became comedy assassin, firing off eye watering comebacks and telling people to point their banterlicious remakes elsewhere or your become the butt of your own joke. You will be slayed by this sober guy on a life high! This is clearly my attempt at a bit creative writing, but this is boarder line truth! truth

I’m really enjoying writing too, it’s something that’s allowing me to release un said thoughts into the world and now they are here for you to read! Writing is also allowing me to review my progression too. I know it will be a year on when it comes to editing this, but if I wanted to look back I can as well. Writing along with all the other things I’ve incorporated with my daily routines, I’m currently in control of my mind, body and soul. I’m looking forward to the future and really hope to keep up the good work. And hopefully these daily dairy’s can help others too.

I’m going to cut this one off now and wish you a good day.

 

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